| Epilogue |
[Oct. 10th, 2005|07:56 pm] |
Throughout the remainder of college and the few years following, Cokie felt conflicted about many things – among them, what career path she should pursue, whether she wanted to get married one day, and how long she would be able to have dance as a part of her life.
She finished her degree in dance at Marymount Manhattan in New York when she was 24, after alternating between being a part-time and a full-time student. Cokie continued to work at the Scores West Side strip club until she was 22, much to her parents' dismay. She left the club after an argument with Scores' owner, who she felt began to care more and more about drawing customers rather than looking out for his dancers' best interests.
Cokie continued to live in New York with two of the friends she met during her college days. After finishing college, she found reasonably consistent temp work in various offices as she tried to figure out what she wanted to do. During this period, she submitted her photos to Maxim and Stuff but was not accepted. A year after these initial submissions, she tried again, this time using photos taken by a roommate's boyfriend who was interested in gaining more photography experience. While this set of pictures helped Cokie to secure a spot as one of the finalists in Maxim's Hometown Hottie contest, she lost the friendship of her roommate Amy, whose boyfriend had let slip that he and Cokie had been seeing each other on the side since their photo shoot.
Distraught after losing one of her best friends, Cokie turned again to the Kabbalah studies she had begun as a college student and also refused to let herself date again for some while. Eventually, she began having a series of both casual and more serious relationships with the intention of not settling down for a while, if at all. She found it harder and harder to maintain friendships with women and developed close friendships with several of the gay men she was getting to know through the local dance events she participated in. This was a big step for Cokie, as she had previously been unsupportive of the homosexual community (despite her experimentation with Shawna Riverson at a party in high school and several other similar instances over the years).
She continued her temp work and was eventually asked to teach modern dance at a dance studio where she had previously completed an assignment. Cokie enjoyed the environment there, and although she enjoyed working with college students and adults more than younger children, was satisfied with her niche she had found. Throughout the next several years, she was invited to take on more of a business role in the functioning of the studio.
At this point, although Cokie still was not sure what the future held, she felt more accomplished than she ever had before. Even in the midst of grappling with the health issues of some of her gay friends and her continued insecurities in her dating relationships, she felt she might have finally found a path that worked for her. |
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| Audition |
[Sep. 29th, 2004|09:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  gloomy | ] |
I didn't get a backup dancer spot yesterday. Willow did. But of course she's so perfect and polite and sweet that she's not gloating about it, at least not around me. That almost makes it worse.
Yeah, yeah, it's only my first audition, and there will be others. But I wanted a spot, damn it. I'm a good dancer, too. |
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| Personal journal |
[Sep. 24th, 2004|04:50 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  chipper | ] |
Eee!!! OMG, I am so excited!!! Willow and I just decided to go to an audition for a music video on Tuesday. We decided to look at all of the postings in the dance department and all of the local papers that have ads for auditions for dancers. We don't know who's doing the video yet, but it would be sooo cool to get backup dancer spots. I feel like I know so much more about dance even since this semester started, so I can't wait to prove myself.
I'm going to be in a show the department is putting on later in October. I'm one of the lead dancers in one of the big numbers, so I'm rehearsing pretty much all the time. Willow is in some of the other numbers, so we both pretty much live in the building with the dance studio. The professors are awesome so far. I'm kind of neglecting my other classes... I just don't care enough about them. It's not that I'm falling behind, really, though; I just kind of do a half-assed job with stuff for them. Willow the perfect is pretty intense about all of her classes and doesn't get that I'm really only here for the dance program. Otherwise, we get along great.
Okay, I guess I'd better go. I think we're going to brave dinner in the dining hall before heading out in the city tonight with some other friends from our hall. |
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| Personal journal |
[Aug. 29th, 2004|10:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  stressed | ] |
Tomorrow is move-in day at school, so I'm running around trying to pack still. I have to admit, Mom is right... I shouldn't have procrastinated so much, because now I don't know how I'm going to get all my clothes packed (much less get them to fit). Mom and Daddy are both taking the day off work tomorrow to help out with driving there and everything.
I'm going around telling everyone I'm not nervous, but of course I am! It's a big deal to go to New York and try to make it there. Of course, I'm not nervous about school -- I'm nervous about whether I'm talented enough and if I'll get discovered and whatever. Luke says I have to concentrate on making connections and keeping them, so I'm going to try to meet as many people as possible.
I've talked to my roommate a couple of times, and we e-mailed a little bit. Her name is Willow (what a name, right?). She's a dancer, too, and is going to declare her dance major early on, like me. I think she does more classical stuff but wants to experiment a little with the more modern styles. She sent me her photo, and she's gorgeous. There's no way I can compete with that... not that I'll tell her that. I'll be on my guard around her until she proves herself worthy enough to start hanging out with outside of being roommates. Since I got my lips done, I'm obsessed with looking at everyone's, and hers look great (and they're real... hmph).
Okay, well, actually, I'm looking at everyone's lips even more now since Shawna and I kissed at my party. It's weird... I don't even remember anything leading up to it; I just remember the kiss. I mean, obviously, it was just a one-time thing... it's not like I want to hook up with a girl or whatever. But I just feel like everyone knows, and even if I meet someone new or someone who doesn't know what happened, I feel like they can tell. Like, "that Cokie girl kissed another girl." It's -- oh, crap, Daddy just walked by saying "Cokie..." and pointing to all my clothes. Guess he has a point, hee hee!!!
XOXOXO,
Cokie
PS -- Next time I write, I will be in NY!!! :) :) :) |
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| Personal journal |
[Aug. 12th, 2004|12:14 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | amused | ] |
OMG! So, I wanna know why Logan Bruno seems like he's in Sea City with the Pikes. I normally don't pay too much attention to every litte thing people are posting on the boards, but I know like, Jeff Schafer and some other people who hang around the Pikes are there. Why is Logan there? (He doesn't actually say he's with the Pikes, but that's the vibe I get.) I mean, yeah, he's friends with Mallory, but she'd invite Jessi Ramsey or someone on the trip before him.
The possibilities abound... ;) I'll have to see if Grace noticed this... she's always up for gossip. Hee hee, I'm evil. |
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| Personal journal |
[Aug. 4th, 2004|08:46 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | content | ] |
It's my birthday today!!! Woohoo! It's awesome to finally be 18. :)
XOXOXO |
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| Personal journal |
[Jul. 23rd, 2004|11:32 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | good | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Hollywood" -- Madonna | ] |
I cannot WAIT for my party tonight. It's going to be awesome!!! I have so much to do to get ready... good thing I happened to have the day off of work!!! I have to get food and snacks and stuff ready, figure out which bathing suit to wear, and try to clean up around the house a little.
People must really know this is gonna be awesome or something, because people I wouldn't have expected to want to come said they're interested, like Pete Black. Whatever... I told him it doesn't bother me if he comes. If it helps him loosen up and be less of a tightass, then okay. I mean, the more the merrier. And Shawna's coming... I know she always loves a good party, but I wasn't sure if she'd want to come. We've said some pretty crappy things to each other. She's a fun girl, though, so it's cool that she's coming.
And I'm not quite sure what to make of Dori's comment to me in my post on the board about the party. Abby said something smartass about how she couldn't wait for the party, so I commented back that even if she wanted to come, I wouldn't let her. Dori said something about how I apparently hadn't recovered completely after my incident. Hmph. Like I care what she thinks anymore anyway. Plus, I am nicer than I might have been before... I don't know if it's graduation and moving on or the hospital stuff, but I did say Pete could come, didn't I?!
I just don't understand her. |
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| Personal journal |
[Jul. 7th, 2004|10:47 am] |
Whatever! So what if my interests aren't unusual. At least I'm not some weird loser or something.
------------
Please be patient. This may take a few minutes.
Interest suggestions for cokie_cookie
Step 1: extracting your interests.COMPLETED.
Step 2: extracting users who share your rarer interests SORRY: YOU DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH UNUSUAL SHARED INTERESTS FOR THE MEME TO WORK. . COMPLETED.
Step 3: extracting *their* interests . COMPLETED
Step 4: Counting and sorting interests . COMPLETED
RESULTS
Based on the lj interests lists of those who share your more unusual interests, you might be interested in
To put these results in your journal, paste the following:
Based on the lj interests lists of those who share my more unusual interests, the interests suggestion meme thinks I might be interested in
coded by ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) ixwin
Find out more |
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| Personal journal -- Hee hee!!! |
[Jun. 30th, 2004|12:03 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | temporarily amused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "If" -- Janet Jackson | ] |
| cokie_cookie's LJ stalker is charlie_thomas! | | charlie_thomas is stalking you because they saw your picture and fell in love.. They are also deluded! |
LJ Stalker FinderFrom Go-Quiz.comLOL, that's pretty much what happens with me and guys. They fall hard for me, then they turn out to have some kind of problem (like Brent and the lying thing). Charlie and Sam Thomas are hot, but I go back and forth between trying to act on that because I can't stand their sister. XOXOXO, Cokie :) |
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| Personal journal |
[Jun. 29th, 2004|08:50 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cranky | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Madonna | ] |
So, I'm home from the hospital. It's kind of weird to be back home after being there for a few weeks. And I feel like I've missed a lot... I mean, I went to graduation, but I didn't get to go to any parties or anything. I had to go right back to the hospital after, and my counselor went with Mom and Daddy just in case.
I was all excited about hanging out with the girls once I got back home now that it's summer, but Mom and Daddy don't want me leaving the house except for work and my counseling appointments at the hospital for the next few weeks. I'm not allowed to have anyone over, either. They're pretty upset with me, not because I developed an eating disorder but because I deliberately lied to them as well as to Michelle (my dance teacher). Hmph.
I guess something good that's come out of all of this, though, is that I don't have to worry that I'm hiding something. And I would feel awfully hungry before I got used to my stomach feeling that way. I just wish I were done with all of this and didn't have to keep going to that counseling. Sigh. Oh, well... I guess it's better than having to be there overnight and not getting to do anything.
Well, I guess that's all for now... I'm going to put on my headphones full blast and rest or something while Mom yells at Aunt Linda on the phone. Aunt Linda calls Mom practically every other day to see how I'm doing, but it always turns into a yelling match about how she can't believe Mom didn't notice any of this before her daughter was actually in the hospital, etc., etc. God, I wish she'd just shut up about it. Everyone's yelling lately... Mom and Aunt Linda, Mom and Daddy about how the other one should have realized my signs, Mom and Daddy carrying on about "how could I have so little disrespect for my body and my health?" and so on and so forth. It's such a pain. |
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| Personal journal -- Prom |
[May. 23rd, 2004|11:47 pm] |
Prom was fun for the most part, I guess. It was fun hanging out with the girls, and I know I looked hot. Some people thought my dress looked like it was a slip or like it was see-through, but whatever. We can't all be hot. Stupid people. ::rolls eyes::
When I say "for the most part," I mean that I could have had a better time because Brent started acting like a dickhead. He was really sweet when he picked me up, saying I looked like Angelina Jolie and what a fun night it would be and everything. When we got to Prom, we danced for a few songs, and then he excused himself to go the restroom. After that, I didn't see him for a long time, and I tried to ask around about where he was without making a big thing over it, but I still couldn't find him. Finally, I caught him over in a corner making out with some trampy (and ugly!!!) junior from SHS.
As I was deciding what I should say when I went over there to break it up, he all of a sudden popped up behind me. When I called him on it, Brent denied it. He said it was dark in there, so it wasn't him. When I asked how that explained why he was gone that long if that hadn't been him with that skank in the corner, he said something like, "Is wanting to meet new people a crime? I was just mingling." I let him off the hook on that because he'd been so sweet up to that point, and I didn't want to ruin my Prom night.
A little bit later, when I went to go the restroom, I came back and saw him (and this time I KNEW it was him and realized he'd been lying... that asshole!!!) in the middle of this group of girls, and he was flirting with all of them and rubbing their arms and backs and stuff. I went to find Grace so I could see what he'd do next, and then he took turns dancing with them, even to the slow songs!!! Needless to say, after like, one and a half songs, I went over there and confronted him and accused those bitches of being man stealers.
Ugh... I can't believe he did that to me!!! I tried not to let it ruin my night too much, so I managed to have an okay time anyway. But then I couldn't BELIEVE what he said to me after, when some of the girls and I were leaving. I had left him on his own for the rest of the night because I had decided there was no way I was going to hang out with him afterward. We ended up being right near his car in the parking lot, and he said, "Oh, by the way, Cokie, I'm 32." Then he drove off!!! OMG!!! I mean, I knew he was 25, and I liked that 'cause I'm all about the older guys, but 32 is creepy. That's like, almost twice my age. And he sure doesn't look 32. What a jerk.
Ugh. I'm exhausted, so I'm gonna go to bed now. |
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| Personal journal |
[May. 20th, 2004|08:49 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
Wow... so much has been going on, I've barely had the chance to write!!! Okay, let's see, where did I leave off in here? Oh, yeah... I think it was when I talked about Mom and Daddy being asked to meet with Michelle because she was worried about me. I had to be there, too, of course.
Anyway, we had the meeting the other day, and she told them that she should have recognized the signs sooner, but she doubted herself because she's new to teaching dance and all that. She said she thinks I have an eating disorder and I've been lying about it. Mom and Daddy seemed surprised about it, although I think Mom knew I was doing a pretty serious diet. She never really said anything about it because I was doing a good job pretending to eat, I guess, and this is the woman who encouraged me to have the nose job five years ago, so it didn't really surprise me that it wasn't a concern for her until now.
So, I didn't really admit to it; I just said I'd been doing some dieting that I guess was affecting me negatively and that I'd stop. I must be really convincing when I try to be, because Mom and Daddy said okay but that they'd keep their eye on me, though. However, both they and Michelle decided that for doing such an unhealthy thing and then lying about it, I won't be allowed to take my dance classes there from now until the end of the summer. That's when I go to NY, so yeah, I'm basically being kicked out.
And yeah, I would be able to take a dance class/classes somewhere else if I could find somewhere that would be a good fit, but this dance center is the best in the area. I guess I'll start looking around for someplace else to go, because I can't exactly start college in the fall with the decision to major in dance without having taken dance all summer.
Otherwise, the play is going fine. Work sucks, but Daddy keeps insisting that it builds character, so whatever. At least I get to see Brent on breaks and stuff since he works at the mall, too. Plus, I get to test the products, so that's something. :)
I can't believe it's almost the end of the year and I still have all this homework to do... ugh. I'd rather be watching my new Sex and the City DVD. |
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| Personal journal |
[May. 17th, 2004|12:12 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  nauseated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Breathe" -- Michelle Branch | ] |
Ugh!!! I am sooo grossed out. Alan Gray slipped me his tongue during the kissing scene at the matinee today. That was NOT in the script. I'm sure he thought it was just the most hysterical thing ever. I think I've finally used enough Listerine to get rid of that unpleasant experience.
It was sooo disgusting!!! He's not even a good kisser. He was all slobbery, and just... yuck. Brent is a much better kisser.
Speaking of Brent, he's such a sweetheart. He went to the performance today and said I did an awesome job (well, once I finally convinced him that the tongue thing wasn't planned). I can't wait until Brent and I go to the Prom. He's such a hottie. I finally picked out my dress!!! I love it. I was going to get one of the pastel ones that I posted on the boards about needing suggestions on, but I saw this pale tannish one that's perfect. At first I wasn't sure about it, but when I tried it on, it fit me perfectly. And the top part is kind of sheer, which makes it really sexy. Plus, I thought it would be different than what all of the other girls will be wearing. As long as Brent likes me in it, I don't care, anyway.
I've only eaten fruit all weekend. I feel a little hungry, but I'm too excited about the play and Prom next weekend to think about it. |
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| Personal journal |
[May. 4th, 2004|12:10 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  scared | ] |
Good news and bad news...
Good news:
1. I'm kicking ass in play rehearsals. Eee!!! :)
2. I think I have a Prom date... his name is Brent and he's an assistant manager at J. Crew in the mall. (Yeah, he's kinda preppy, but he's super hot.) We've run into each other a few times when we've both been working, and we get along, so on Sunday, I asked him to Prom and he said he'd probably be able to go. And woohoo for older guys... he's 25, and he told me he thinks I'm beautiful.
3. Even with the bad news, at least I didn't have a horrible, gross, disgusting bathroom accident like Logan Bruno's dork of a sister did. LOL... everyone's been talking about her.
--------
Bad news:
Michelle (my dance teacher) told me after class this afternoon that she's not sure how I'm managing to still be dancing pretty well when she knows something's up with me. She said that because for the most part, I've only been improving the past few months, she didn't pay enough attention, but she wants to sit down with me and Mom and Daddy to let them know something's going on. I told her it was nothing, but she said I couldn't convince her anymore and she should have realized this sooner.
We're meeting sometime this week, I think. I'm dreading it. But hopefully Mom and Daddy (especially Daddy) will believe their own daughter over a teacher.
XOXOXO |
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| Personal journal |
[Apr. 8th, 2004|12:17 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | grumpy | ] |
I would still pick Bath & Body Works as one of my top choices of where to work if I had to do it again, but that doesn't mean I like it. Retail is exhausting!!!
Icky things about the job so far:
1. I have to help put away and organize the stock, including in the back room. Ugh... so demeaning. I told my manager that, but she kind of snapped at me and said something about how even she has to stock, so I should just deal with it because it's part of the job. PMSing much?!
2. Apparently, the company sent out this coupon deal in the mail to people on the BBW mailing list. With any store purchase, you can get a free regular size lotion. That's a good deal (and I'd probably have used the coupon myself before I started working there), but it's making us busy. That means even more stocking for me... hmph.
3. Like I said, I still would have picked BBW, but I didn't remember until the other day that they're part of the same company that also owns Express. Express used to be my favorite store, but not anymore since I realized that back in the fall, their pants make me look fat.
4. Why don't more boys come in???? If they do, they're getting stuff for Mother's Day or for their girlfriends or whatever. I've tried to chat up some of the Mother's Day guys, but they don't really seem too interested. Part of me can't even blame them, though... I have to wear that dumb apron. It covers my cleavage, so no wonder they don't think I look hot.
I get to work both Saturday and Sunday this weekend. Eww.
XOXOXO |
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| Personal journal |
[Mar. 26th, 2004|12:38 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "What A Girl Wants" -- Christina Aguilera | ] |
I found out on Wednesday that I got the job I applied for at Bath and Body Works. It was my first choice out of the places I applied to, but I'm still bitter because I don't want or have time to work, but Mom and Daddy are making me. They said that even though I'll just be doing it from now until the end of the summer, it'll be good experience for me, blah blah blah. At least I'll get to check out guys since I'll be working at the mall. Still... hmph!!!
My first day is Saturday. I'm mostly supposed to get trained on how to do things and learn more than anyone ever wanted to know about every product in the store. Goody. ::rolls eyes::
I think I'm doing really, really well in rehearsals. Sam seems impressed... yay!!! The only thing I don't like about working on the play stuff is that Alan Gray=icky. I need to come up with some annoying nickname for him... that dickhead calls me "Lips" about a million times during each rehearsal.
Ugh... I feel sooo weak all of a sudden. Crap. This has been happening lately. |
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| Personal journal |
[Mar. 10th, 2004|12:21 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  busy | ] |
OMG, I can't believe how little free time I have all of a sudden between play rehearsals and my dance classes. Speaking of dance, I was trying to be nice and invite people to our series of spring dance recitals at the beginning of April, and that bitch Abigail posted some nasty comment asking me if I were going to fall while performing again. Some people are so evil. ::rolls eyes::
Play rehearsals are going awesome!!! Working with both Sam and Cam Geary (I cannot believe he's teaching at SHS now... sooo cool!) makes it even more fun, although I feel more nervous since I have hot guys to impress. Getting to spend so much time with them makes having to work so closely with Alan not quite as heinous. He'd better not try any of his obnoxious stunts. I'm there to be a serious actress, not deal with juvenile shit from him.
Oh! I lost two pounds since last week!!! I'm finally, finally starting to feel somewhat satisfied with the lower half of my body. And I've stopped feeling hungry all of the time... I guess that happens when you diet for awhile. ::shrug:: I'm not really sure, though. Just as long as I'm losing weight. |
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| Personal journal |
[Mar. 5th, 2004|12:08 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy | ] |
I got the lead in the spring musical!!! Yay, me!!! We'll be doing Little Shop of Horrors, which is kinda cheesy, but since I've got the lead, I'm not gonna complain. And... my character (Audrey) gets a plant named after her. Hee hee.
The only thing icky about all of this is Alan Gray is Seymour. Apparently, that's the leading male role, and we're supposed to have some romantic interludes (as our drama teacher calls them). Ew, ew, ew!!! Well, I guess I have to take the good with the bad. Sigh. Part of the good, though, is that Mom and Daddy are so proud of me, so that feels really good.
Still waiting to hear about which colleges I got into. I've pretty much decided that I really don't want to be in college at this point, but I hope I'll get into at least one of the ones I applied to to get Mom and Daddy (especially Daddy) off of my back. Then I'll go, but maybe just for a year (if that... I know I'll get some kind of fabulous opportunity dancing-wise before that!).
I've lost five more pounds. I decided to start keeping a log of the food I eat each day. Today I had a banana (breakfast... because Daddy insists that I eat something), salad (lunch), and a couple of crackers and pretzels (snack/dinner). I had play stuff, so when I got home, I said I'd already eaten. Mom said she saved me some leftovers, so I'll take them for lunch tomorrow so she'll be happy. (And then eat just a tiny bit, of course.)
XOXOXO |
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| Personal journal |
[Feb. 11th, 2004|10:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bored | ] |
I'm SOOOOO tired of dealing with all of these college applications!!! It's even worse because Mom and Daddy keep saying things like, "You really should have done this earlier, Cokie. You're lucky there are still some places that have rolling admissions, you know."
I really, really don't want to go to college. I'm a dancer, damn it, and dancing in NY is my dream. I'm tired of following Mom and Daddy's dreams.
Sigh... back to this stupid application essay. Like I care whether technology has shaped society for the better or the worse!!! What a stupid question. What does that have to do with wanting to be a performer??? Maybe I'll just write "Does not apply" for my answer. That will save everyone a lot of time -- me with having to write a load of crap, and the admissions people from having to read yet another essay. Everyone thinks I'm stupid, but I think that's a pretty smart idea. Yay, me!!!
XOXOXO |
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